Pinoy Bingo Night Home Viewer Numbers
Week 2, April 30 2009
B = 3, 9, 11, 15
I = 20, 22, 23, 29
N = 31, 33, 36, 40
G = 48, 49, 51, 53
O = 63, 66, 70, 72
Reminder: I arranged it so it'll be easier to mark your game cards. I'll be posting this everyday 'coz my mom is playing too.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Pinoy Bingo Night Home Viewer Numbers - April 29
Pinoy Bingo Night Home Viewer Numbers
Week 2, April 29 2009
B = 1, 3, 8, 9
I = 16, 17, 18, 23
N = 34, 40, 42, 45
G = 48, 51, 57, 59
O = 61, 64, 69, 72
Reminder: I arranged it so it'll be easier to mark your game cards.
I'll be posting this everyday 'coz my mom is playing too.
Week 2, April 29 2009
B = 1, 3, 8, 9
I = 16, 17, 18, 23
N = 34, 40, 42, 45
G = 48, 51, 57, 59
O = 61, 64, 69, 72
Reminder: I arranged it so it'll be easier to mark your game cards.
I'll be posting this everyday 'coz my mom is playing too.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Pinoy Bingo Night Home Viewer Numbers - April 28
Pinoy Bingo Night Home Viewer Numbers
Week 2, April 28 2009
B = 5, 7, 11, 14
I = 17, 18, 23, 28
N = 31, 34, 40, 43
G = 50, 53, 55, 60
O = 62, 66, 69, 75
I arranged it so it'll be easier to mark your game cards
Week 2, April 28 2009
B = 5, 7, 11, 14
I = 17, 18, 23, 28
N = 31, 34, 40, 43
G = 50, 53, 55, 60
O = 62, 66, 69, 75
I arranged it so it'll be easier to mark your game cards
Pinoy Bingo Night
Pinoy Bingo Night is the newest, biggest, and most high-tech game show on Philippine television to date. This is ABS-CBN’s own take of the original National Bingo Night in the US. Every night, 402 studio players will vie for the much coveted P2 Million grand cash prize and viewers at home can also win cool prizes by watching daily. Joining her to provide additional humor and excitement are Mel Feliciano as the ‘commissioner’ and Brod Pete as the ‘bingo caller.’
There are basically 2 ways on how to join Pinoy Bingo Night show by Kris Aquino. The first one is registration through text and SMS and the second one is via registration at the official website of Pinoy Bingo Night. If you didn’t get a hold of it in the commercials, this is your chance to become a contestant.
2 Ways to Join PBN - Pinoy Bingo Night
Via Online Registration
I got this information on how to become a contestant from some sources. The first that you can do to be included in the list of participants of Pinoy Bingo Night is to register your name and other information at the official website of Kris Aquino’s show PBN - http://www.abs-cbn.com/Default.aspx?TabId=107. Alternately, you can also use http://pbn.abs-cbn.com/ by copying these 2 sets of URLs or web address on top of your browser then hit enter.
You also have a choice of using text or SMS for registration to become a contestant to the night game.
Via text or SMS Registration
If you want to join Pinoy Bingo Night using text or SMS registration here is a guide on how. In order to get a valid registration to become a player or contestant via Text or SMS message, all you have to do is type in the following information in sequence as it appears below.
PBN Last Name,First Name/Age/Gender/Address and send to 2366 (Ex: PBN Santos,Ana/22/female/22 Visayas Ave.,Quezon City). Be sure you are registering your complete address and information in the right order or sequence for it to become valid.
Observe the correct spelling, spaces, comma and slash so won’t have to waste any money or time making your registration.
Reminder:
This game show hosted by Kris Aquino is open only to participants from the Philippines while only valid registration from the Philippines will be accepted and allowed. Courtesy of the Pinoy Bingo Night program official website.
There are basically 2 ways on how to join Pinoy Bingo Night show by Kris Aquino. The first one is registration through text and SMS and the second one is via registration at the official website of Pinoy Bingo Night. If you didn’t get a hold of it in the commercials, this is your chance to become a contestant.
2 Ways to Join PBN - Pinoy Bingo Night
Via Online Registration
I got this information on how to become a contestant from some sources. The first that you can do to be included in the list of participants of Pinoy Bingo Night is to register your name and other information at the official website of Kris Aquino’s show PBN - http://www.abs-cbn.com/Default.aspx?TabId=107. Alternately, you can also use http://pbn.abs-cbn.com/ by copying these 2 sets of URLs or web address on top of your browser then hit enter.
You also have a choice of using text or SMS for registration to become a contestant to the night game.
Via text or SMS Registration
If you want to join Pinoy Bingo Night using text or SMS registration here is a guide on how. In order to get a valid registration to become a player or contestant via Text or SMS message, all you have to do is type in the following information in sequence as it appears below.
PBN Last Name,First Name/Age/Gender/Address and send to 2366 (Ex: PBN Santos,Ana/22/female/22 Visayas Ave.,Quezon City). Be sure you are registering your complete address and information in the right order or sequence for it to become valid.
Observe the correct spelling, spaces, comma and slash so won’t have to waste any money or time making your registration.
Reminder:
This game show hosted by Kris Aquino is open only to participants from the Philippines while only valid registration from the Philippines will be accepted and allowed. Courtesy of the Pinoy Bingo Night program official website.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
How A Boy/Girl Withdraws Cash From ATM
How a BOY withdraws cash from ATM.
1) Parks the car
2) Goes to ATM
3) Inserts card
4) Enters PIN
5) Takes money
6) Drives away.
How a GIRL withdraws cash from ATM.
1) Parks the car
2) Checks makeup
3) Turns off engine /put handbrake
4) Check makeup
5) Goes to ATM
6) Hunts for ATM card in the purse.
7) Inserts card
8) Hits Cancel
9) Hunts in purse for chit with PIN written on it.
10) Inserts card
11) Enters PIN
12) Takes cash
13) Goes to car
14) Checks makeup
15) Starts car
16) Stops car
17) Runs back to ATM
18) Takes ATM card back
19) Back to car
20) Checks makeup
21) Starts car
22) Checks makeup
23) Drives for 3/4 mile
24) Releases hand brake
1) Parks the car
2) Goes to ATM
3) Inserts card
4) Enters PIN
5) Takes money
6) Drives away.
How a GIRL withdraws cash from ATM.
1) Parks the car
2) Checks makeup
3) Turns off engine /put handbrake
4) Check makeup
5) Goes to ATM
6) Hunts for ATM card in the purse.
7) Inserts card
8) Hits Cancel
9) Hunts in purse for chit with PIN written on it.
10) Inserts card
11) Enters PIN
12) Takes cash
13) Goes to car
14) Checks makeup
15) Starts car
16) Stops car
17) Runs back to ATM
18) Takes ATM card back
19) Back to car
20) Checks makeup
21) Starts car
22) Checks makeup
23) Drives for 3/4 mile
24) Releases hand brake
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Need A Push?
Man is in bed asleep with his wife when there is a rat- a-tat-tat on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door and there is man standing there. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there." slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push??"
"No, get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed." says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down on the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"
"But the guy was drunk." says the husband.
"It doesn't matter." says the wife. "He needs our help, the right thing to do would be to help him."
So the husband out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push??" and he hears a voice cry out "Yes please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?"
And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing."
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door and there is man standing there. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there." slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push??"
"No, get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed." says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down on the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"
"But the guy was drunk." says the husband.
"It doesn't matter." says the wife. "He needs our help, the right thing to do would be to help him."
So the husband out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push??" and he hears a voice cry out "Yes please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?"
And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing."
Friday, April 24, 2009
Husband & Wife
A husband and wife were in a mood to have sex.
They send their 9 year old son in the balcony and said to watch what people were doing around the neighbour hood and tell them.
The Son started, "Mr. James is cleaning his car, Mr. Nelson is cutting the grass and Mr. Jackson his fucking his wife."
Father was shocked and asked "how did u know?"
The son replied, "His son is also standing in the balcony."
They send their 9 year old son in the balcony and said to watch what people were doing around the neighbour hood and tell them.
The Son started, "Mr. James is cleaning his car, Mr. Nelson is cutting the grass and Mr. Jackson his fucking his wife."
Father was shocked and asked "how did u know?"
The son replied, "His son is also standing in the balcony."
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Robbery
A man charges into a bank wearing a ski mask and wielding a handgun.
He shouts "This is a raid - everyone get on the floor!!!", and proceeds to empty the cash drawers. As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his ski mask.
The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts "Did anybody else here see my face?".
The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also.
"Did anybody else see my face?" He shouts again, waving his gun around.
There is a silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner."I think my wife caught a glimpse...
He shouts "This is a raid - everyone get on the floor!!!", and proceeds to empty the cash drawers. As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his ski mask.
The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts "Did anybody else here see my face?".
The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also.
"Did anybody else see my face?" He shouts again, waving his gun around.
There is a silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner."I think my wife caught a glimpse...
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
A Boy's Ass
A boy has never seen his ass.
One day his teacher spanked his ass.
After reaching home he saw his ass and replied "That bitch split it in two!"
One day his teacher spanked his ass.
After reaching home he saw his ass and replied "That bitch split it in two!"
Monday, April 20, 2009
Got Avistaz?
If anyone has a spare or an Avistaz account that they never used, I'd really appreciate to have it. Any kind souls who feel like giving?
Thank You In Advance!
Avistaz
Site Description:
AvistaZ Asian Movies Torrents: Latest Asian Movies Torrent Downloads: Korean, Chinese, Japanese, Thai, Filipino & Hindi releases - with English subs!
Thank You In Advance!
Avistaz
Site Description:
AvistaZ Asian Movies Torrents: Latest Asian Movies Torrent Downloads: Korean, Chinese, Japanese, Thai, Filipino & Hindi releases - with English subs!
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Betting
The teller thought that to be a reasonable request, and, after opening the bag and seeing bundles of $1000 bills, which amounted to approximately $3,000,000, telephoned the bank president's secretary for an appointment for the lady.
The woman was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's office. Introductions were made, and she stated that she liked to get to know people she did business with on a more personal basis. The president then asked her how she came into such a large sum of cash. "Was it inherited?" he asked. "No," she replied. He was quiet for several seconds, trying to think of where this elderly lady could possibly have come into $3 million. "I bet," she offered. "As in horses?". "No," she replied, "as in people".
Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bet on different things with people. Suddenly, she said, "I'll bet you 25,000 that by 10 o'clock tomorrow morning your balls will be square."
The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and decided to take her up on the bet. He didn't know how he could lose. For the rest of the day, he was extremely cautious--he decided to stay home that evening and take no chances. $25,000 was at stake.
When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make certain that everything was O.K. There was no change in his scrotal appearance. He looked the same as always. He went to his office and waited for the woman to come in at 10AM, humming as he went. He knew this was his lucky day. How often did he get handed $25,000 for doing nothing?
At 10 o'clock sharp, the woman was shown into his office. With her was a man. When the bank president asked her what the other man was with her for, she informed the president that he was her lawyer and she always took him long when there was this much money involved in her betting.
"Well," she asked, "what about our bet?"
"I don't know how to tell you this," he said, "but I'm the same as I've always been, only $25,000 richer."
The old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
"Well, okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.
The president asked the old lady, "What's wrong with him?"
She replied, "Nothing, except that I bet him $100,000 that by 10am today I'd have the Chase Manhattan Bank's president's balls in my hand."
The woman was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's office. Introductions were made, and she stated that she liked to get to know people she did business with on a more personal basis. The president then asked her how she came into such a large sum of cash. "Was it inherited?" he asked. "No," she replied. He was quiet for several seconds, trying to think of where this elderly lady could possibly have come into $3 million. "I bet," she offered. "As in horses?". "No," she replied, "as in people".
Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bet on different things with people. Suddenly, she said, "I'll bet you 25,000 that by 10 o'clock tomorrow morning your balls will be square."
The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and decided to take her up on the bet. He didn't know how he could lose. For the rest of the day, he was extremely cautious--he decided to stay home that evening and take no chances. $25,000 was at stake.
When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make certain that everything was O.K. There was no change in his scrotal appearance. He looked the same as always. He went to his office and waited for the woman to come in at 10AM, humming as he went. He knew this was his lucky day. How often did he get handed $25,000 for doing nothing?
At 10 o'clock sharp, the woman was shown into his office. With her was a man. When the bank president asked her what the other man was with her for, she informed the president that he was her lawyer and she always took him long when there was this much money involved in her betting.
"Well," she asked, "what about our bet?"
"I don't know how to tell you this," he said, "but I'm the same as I've always been, only $25,000 richer."
The old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
"Well, okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.
The president asked the old lady, "What's wrong with him?"
She replied, "Nothing, except that I bet him $100,000 that by 10am today I'd have the Chase Manhattan Bank's president's balls in my hand."
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
An Englishman, A Scotsman And An Irishman
One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together.
They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened.
The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"
They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened.
The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Change The Oil
He was 80, she was 20. It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year old girl. After a year of marriage she went into the hospital to give birth.The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying: "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"
He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running."
The following year the young bride gave birth again.
The same nurse said: "You are truly amazing. How do you do it?" Again he said: "You've got the keep the old motor running."
The same thing happened the next year.
The nurse then said: "Well, well, well, you certainly are quite a man!" He responded, "You've got to keep that old motor running."
The nurse then said: "Well, you better change the oil. This one's black."
He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running."
The following year the young bride gave birth again.
The same nurse said: "You are truly amazing. How do you do it?" Again he said: "You've got the keep the old motor running."
The same thing happened the next year.
The nurse then said: "Well, well, well, you certainly are quite a man!" He responded, "You've got to keep that old motor running."
The nurse then said: "Well, you better change the oil. This one's black."
Monday, April 13, 2009
A Baby Mole
There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country.
The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell sausage."
The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said "Mmmmmm, I smell pancakes."
The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but couldn't because of the two bigger moles...
The baby mole said, "The only thing I can smell is mole-asses!"
The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell sausage."
The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said "Mmmmmm, I smell pancakes."
The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but couldn't because of the two bigger moles...
The baby mole said, "The only thing I can smell is mole-asses!"
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Lipstick On Mirror
According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally the principal decided that there had to be something done about it.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She then explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day.
To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then used it to clean the mirror. Needless to say, there have been no lip prints on the mirror since!
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally the principal decided that there had to be something done about it.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She then explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day.
To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then used it to clean the mirror. Needless to say, there have been no lip prints on the mirror since!
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Job Application
This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida...and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It s#cked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.
NAME: Greg Bulmash
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It s#cked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.
Friday, April 10, 2009
Naughty Jokes
What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Q. What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!
Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.
Q. Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.
Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch!
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Q. What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!
Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.
Q. Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.
Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch!
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
You Can't Marry Her
One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, “Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George’s dad took him aside, “Son, I have to talk with you.” “Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she’s a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half sister, and I’m afraid you can’t marry her.”
George was broken-hearted.
After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, “Dianne said yes! We’re getting married in June.” Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. “Dianne is your half sister too, George. I’m awfully sorry about this.”
George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared. “Dad has done so much harm. I guess I’m never going to get married,” he complained. “Every time I fall in love, dad tells me the girl is my half sister.” “Hehehe," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, “don’t pay any attention to what he says. He’s not really your father.”
George was broken-hearted.
After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, “Dianne said yes! We’re getting married in June.” Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. “Dianne is your half sister too, George. I’m awfully sorry about this.”
George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared. “Dad has done so much harm. I guess I’m never going to get married,” he complained. “Every time I fall in love, dad tells me the girl is my half sister.” “Hehehe," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, “don’t pay any attention to what he says. He’s not really your father.”
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Santa Claus And The Blonde
One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She asks "Santa, will you stay with me?"
Santa says, "Ho Ho Ho I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!"
She takes off her nightgown, and wearing only a bra and panties, she asks "Santa, now will you stay with me?"
Santa says, "Ho Ho Ho I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!"
She takes off everything and asks "Santa, now will you stay with me?"
Santa replies "Hey Hey Hey I gotta stay, gotta stay! I can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"
Santa says, "Ho Ho Ho I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!"
She takes off her nightgown, and wearing only a bra and panties, she asks "Santa, now will you stay with me?"
Santa says, "Ho Ho Ho I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!"
She takes off everything and asks "Santa, now will you stay with me?"
Santa replies "Hey Hey Hey I gotta stay, gotta stay! I can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"
Monday, April 6, 2009
Parents Fail
These are real notes written by parents in a Tennessee school district. (Spellings have been left intact)
1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
2. Please exkuce Lisa for being absent she was sick and I had her shot.
3. Dear school: Please ecsc's John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.
4. Please excuse Gloria from jim today. She is administrating.
5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre, dyrea, direathe), the sh**s. Note: [words in ( )'s were crossed out].
12. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.
13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault. {you know, this could be legit!}
15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday we thought it was Sunday.
17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
22. Please excuse Brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.
23. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids.
It's easy to be wise. Just think of something really stupid to say and don't say it.
1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
2. Please exkuce Lisa for being absent she was sick and I had her shot.
3. Dear school: Please ecsc's John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.
4. Please excuse Gloria from jim today. She is administrating.
5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre, dyrea, direathe), the sh**s. Note: [words in ( )'s were crossed out].
12. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.
13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault. {you know, this could be legit!}
15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday we thought it was Sunday.
17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
22. Please excuse Brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.
23. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids.
It's easy to be wise. Just think of something really stupid to say and don't say it.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
It's Time To Go To School
Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"
Son: "But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
Mother: "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
Son: "Well, the kids hate me, and the teachers too hate me"
Mother: "Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
Son: "Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
Mother: "Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"
Son: "But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
Mother: "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
Son: "Well, the kids hate me, and the teachers too hate me"
Mother: "Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
Son: "Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
Mother: "Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"
Saturday, April 4, 2009
The Black Panties
Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom! I have someone for you to meet.."
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend away..
Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"
She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."
He knew he was not getting lucky that night.
The following night was the same- she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit but now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"
He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences.."
Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom! I have someone for you to meet.."
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend away..
Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"
She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."
He knew he was not getting lucky that night.
The following night was the same- she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit but now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"
He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences.."
Friday, April 3, 2009
What Is Globalization?
Question : What is the truest definition of Globalization ?
Answer : Princess Diana's death.
Question : How come ?
Answer : An
English princess with an
Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a
French tunnel, driving a
German car with a
Dutch engine, driven by a
Belgian who was drunk on
Scottish whisky: followed closely by
Italian Paparazzis in
Japanese motorcycles; treated by an
American doctor, using
Brazilian medicines. And moreover this is sent to you by a
Filipino, using
American technology, and you're probably reading this on your computer, that use
Taiwanese chips, and a
Korean monitor, assembled by
Bangladeshi workers in a
Singapore plant, transported by
Pakistan lorry-drivers, hijacked by
Indonesians, unloaded by
Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by
Mexican illegals...
That, my friend, is ''Globalization''. Hope you got it.
Answer : Princess Diana's death.
Question : How come ?
Answer : An
English princess with an
Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a
French tunnel, driving a
German car with a
Dutch engine, driven by a
Belgian who was drunk on
Scottish whisky: followed closely by
Italian Paparazzis in
Japanese motorcycles; treated by an
American doctor, using
Brazilian medicines. And moreover this is sent to you by a
Filipino, using
American technology, and you're probably reading this on your computer, that use
Taiwanese chips, and a
Korean monitor, assembled by
Bangladeshi workers in a
Singapore plant, transported by
Pakistan lorry-drivers, hijacked by
Indonesians, unloaded by
Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by
Mexican illegals...
That, my friend, is ''Globalization''. Hope you got it.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Barbers Shop
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber, seeing him come in, whispers to his customer; “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks; “Which do you want, son?”
The boy takes the quarters and leaves the dollar.
“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store and says; “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”
The boy licked his cone and replied; “Because the day I take the dollar, the game’s over!”
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks; “Which do you want, son?”
The boy takes the quarters and leaves the dollar.
“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store and says; “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”
The boy licked his cone and replied; “Because the day I take the dollar, the game’s over!”
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Happy April Fools’ Day
April Fools' Day or All Fools' Day, although not a holiday in its own right, is a notable day celebrated in many countries on April 1. The day is marked by the commission of hoaxes and other practical jokes of varying sophistication on friends, family members, enemies, and neighbors, or sending them on fool's errand, the aim of which is to embarrass the gullible. Traditionally, in some countries, the jokes only last until noon: like UK, Australia, New Zealand and Canada, someone who plays a trick after noon is called an "April Fool". Elsewhere, such as in Ireland, France, and the USA, the jokes last all day.
The origin of April Fools' Day is obscure. One likely theory is that the modern holiday was first celebrated soon after the adoption of the Gregorian Calendar; the term referred to someone still adhering to the Julian Calendar which it replaced. In many pre-Christian cultures May Day (May 1) was celebrated as the first day of summer, and signalled the start of the spring planting season. An April Fool was someone who did this prematurely. Another origin is that April 1 was counted the first day of the year in France. When King Charles IX changed that to January 1, some people stayed with April 1. Those who did were called "April Fools" and were taunted by their neighbors. In the eighteenth century the festival was often posited as going back to the times of Noah. An English newspaper article published on April 13th, 1789 said that the day had its origins when he sent the raven off too early, before the waters had receded. He did this on the first day of the Hebrew month that corresponds with April. A possible reference to April Fools' Day can be seen in the Canterbury Tales (ca 1400) in the Nun's Priest's tale, a tale of two fools: Chanticleer and the fox, which took place on March 32nd.
The origin of April Fools' Day is obscure. One likely theory is that the modern holiday was first celebrated soon after the adoption of the Gregorian Calendar; the term referred to someone still adhering to the Julian Calendar which it replaced. In many pre-Christian cultures May Day (May 1) was celebrated as the first day of summer, and signalled the start of the spring planting season. An April Fool was someone who did this prematurely. Another origin is that April 1 was counted the first day of the year in France. When King Charles IX changed that to January 1, some people stayed with April 1. Those who did were called "April Fools" and were taunted by their neighbors. In the eighteenth century the festival was often posited as going back to the times of Noah. An English newspaper article published on April 13th, 1789 said that the day had its origins when he sent the raven off too early, before the waters had receded. He did this on the first day of the Hebrew month that corresponds with April. A possible reference to April Fools' Day can be seen in the Canterbury Tales (ca 1400) in the Nun's Priest's tale, a tale of two fools: Chanticleer and the fox, which took place on March 32nd.
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