"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two..."
"One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money."
"A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success!"
"A harmful truth is always better then...a useful lie!"
"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me."
"I only go to work on days that don't end in a 'y'."
"We spend the first twelve months of our children's liv! es teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up."
"Laughter is the closest distance between two people."
"Start every day with a smile and get it over with."
"Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else."
"Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day."
"Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison."
"I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens."
"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't."
"Don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out of it alive."
"Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use."
"In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out."
"I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me."
"Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?"
- Sir Norman Wisdom
"One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money."
- Edgar Watson Howe
"A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success!"
- Doug Larson
"A harmful truth is always better then...a useful lie!"
- Eric Bolton
"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me."
- Erno Philips
"I only go to work on days that don't end in a 'y'."
- Robert Paul
"We spend the first twelve months of our children's liv! es teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up."
- Phyllis Diller
"Laughter is the closest distance between two people."
- Victor Borge
"Start every day with a smile and get it over with."
- W.C. Fields
"Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else."
- Will Rogers
"Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day."
- Mickey Rooney
"Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison."
- Tim Allen
"I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens."
- Woody Allen
"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't."
- Erica Jong
"Don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out of it alive."
- Elbert Hubbard
"Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use."
- Wendell Johnson
"In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out."
- Joey Adams
"I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me."
- Henry Youngman
"Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?"
- Benny Hill
