How Do You Come Up With Names?

An Indian warrior goes up to the Chief that names all the new babies and asks, “How do you come up with the names?”

The Chief replies, “I look for events that coincide with the birth. If I see an eagle flying overhead, I name the baby ‘Soaring Eagle.’ If I see a deer running in the field, I name the baby, ‘Running Deer.’

Tell me, Two Dogs Fucking, why do you ask?"

Everything Sir!

A boss confused about his Math asked his secretary.

BOSS: If I give you P3M less 17%, how much would you take off?

SECRETARY: Everything sir! Dress! bra! panty!

How A Boy/Girl Withdraws Cash From ATM

How a BOY withdraws cash from ATM.
1) Parks the car
2) Goes to ATM
3) Inserts card
4) Enters PIN
5) Takes money
6) Drives away.




How a GIRL withdraws cash from ATM.
1) Parks the car
2) Checks makeup
3) Turns off engine /put handbrake
4) Check makeup
5) Goes to ATM
6) Hunts for ATM card in the purse.
7) Inserts card
8) Hits Cancel
9) Hunts in purse for chit with PIN written on it.
10) Inserts card
11) Enters PIN
12) Takes cash
13) Goes to car
14) Checks makeup
15) Starts car
16) Stops car
17) Runs back to ATM
18) Takes ATM card back
19) Back to car
20) Checks makeup
21) Starts car
22) Checks makeup
23) Drives for 3/4 mile
24) Releases hand brake

An Englishman, A Scotsman And An Irishman

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together.

They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust.

The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"

Lipstick On Mirror

According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally the principal decided that there had to be something done about it.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She then explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day.

To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then used it to clean the mirror. Needless to say, there have been no lip prints on the mirror since!

Job Application

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida...and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It s#cked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

Naughty Jokes

What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.

Q. Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch!

It's Time To Go To School

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"

Son: "But why, Mom? I don't want to go."

Mother: "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."

Son: "Well, the kids hate me, and the teachers too hate me"

Mother: "Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."

Son: "Give me two reasons why I should go to school."

Mother: "Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"

The Black Panties

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom! I have someone for you to meet.."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend away..

Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"

She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same- she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit but now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"

He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences.."

Barbers Shop

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber, seeing him come in, whispers to his customer; “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks; “Which do you want, son?”

The boy takes the quarters and leaves the dollar.

“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store and says; “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”

The boy licked his cone and replied; “Because the day I take the dollar, the game’s over!”

The School Report

Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what Politics is."

Father: "Well, let's take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom is the administrator of money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of your need, so let's call you The People. We'll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you understand son?"

Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it."

That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.

The next morning he reported to his father.

Son: "Dad, now I think I understand what Politics is."

Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"

Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of Shit."

Midnight Patrol

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate.

He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, Yes, officer?

What are you doing? the policeman asked.

What does it look like? answered the young man. I'm reading a magazine.

Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, And what is she doing?

The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, What does it look like? She's knitting.

And how old are you? the officer then asked the young man.

I'm nineteen, he replied.

And how old is she? asked the officer.

The young man looked at his watch and said, Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen.

Farmer John

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens. What do you want me to do? asked the sheriff. I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers! So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said:

SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING


Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster. So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign:

SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY
That really sped them up.. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign? The sheriff told him,Sure thing, put up your own sign. He was going to let the Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.

The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John. Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?

Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy. He hung up the phone. The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers...

So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign.. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:

NUDIST COLONY
Go slow and watch out for the chicks!

Lucky Frog

A geezer takes the day off work and goes golfing. On the third hole he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears "Rabbit. 9 Iron".

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Rabbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 8 inches from the cup. He's shocked and says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?"

The frog reply's "Rabbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks.

"Rabbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"

The frog reply, "Rabbit. Las Vegas." They go to "Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Rabbit Roulette."

Upon approaching the roulette table, he asks, "What do you think I should bet?"

The frog replies, "Rabbit. $2000. Black 10." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across them table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.

He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Rabbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it.

With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 16-year-old girl.

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."

A Really Bad Day

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

Telephone Bill

The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting.

Dad: People this is unacceptable. You have to limit the use of the phone. I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office.

Mum: Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone.

Son: Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile.

Maid: So - what is the problem? We all use our work telephones!!!!!

Eager To Impress The Boss

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

The New York Taxi Driver

Father O'Flannagan dies due to old age. Upon entering St.Peter's gate, there is another man in front, waiting to go into heaven. St. Peter asks the man, "What is your name what did you accomplish during your life?"

The man responds "My name is Joe Cohen, and I was a New York City Taxi driver for 14 years"

"Very well," says St. Peter, "Here is your silk robe and golden sceptre, now you may walk in the streets of our Lord."

St. Peter looks at the Father, and asks "What is your name and what did you accomplish?"

He responds, "I'm Father O'Flannagan, and have devoted the last 62 years to the Lord."

"Very well," says St. Peter, "Here is your cotton robe and wooden staff, you may enter."

"Wait a minute," says O'Flannagan, "You gave the taxi driver a silk robe and golden sceptre, why did I only get a cotton robe and wooden staff?"

"Well," St. Peter replied, "We work on a performance scale, you see while you preached, everyone slept, when he drove taxis, everyone prayed!"

Ex-Girlfriend

A guy runs into his ex-girlfriend at a bar.

"I had sex with another woman last night," he tells her. "But I was thinking of you the whole time."

"You miss me that much?" she asks.

"No," he says. "But it kept me from coming too fast."

Obsessions

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy. "

He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in yourchild's name, Penny. "

He turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy. "

At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on, Dick,we're leaving. "