Everything Sir!

A boss confused about his Math asked his secretary.

BOSS: If I give you P3M less 17%, how much would you take off?

SECRETARY: Everything sir! Dress! bra! panty!

Naughty Jokes

What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.

Q. Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch!

The First Time I Had Sex

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a package of condoms. There was a beautiful woman behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked, if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No."

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused.

So she looked all around the store. It was empty. She said,"Just a minute." And walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. She asked, "Do these excite you?" Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head.

She then said, it was time to put the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt removed her panties and laid down on a desk. "Well, come on", she said, "We don't have much time." So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and pow, I was done within a few minutes.

She looked at me with a frown. "Did you put that condom on?" I said, "I sure did." And held up my thumb to show her.

She's Getting The Raise!

A Mexican maid asked her boss for a pay increase.

Her boss was annoyed at this and asked, 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase... The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband said so.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..'

Wife (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Señora, the gardener did.'

Wife: 'So how much do you want?'

Mommy Almost Died

Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Piddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Piddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could,

"I'm afraid Piddles is dead, Lucy."

"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.

At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Piddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Piddles up to heaven."

Little Lucy seemed to take her Piddles' death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work, Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mommy almost died this morning."

Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!"

"Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, "Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!" and if it hadn't been for the mailman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy".

See You Tomorrow, Sir!

One sunny day in February, 2009 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here."

The old man said, "Okay" and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here."

The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir!"

0 to 200 in 6 seconds

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

The Sixth Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to, " his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace.

I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know," she replied, " now just rest and let the poison work."

The Fifth Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir , that will be one cent." "One Cent?" the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied. "

A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

The Fourth Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue." "What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."

The Third Affair

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.

Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. "My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"

The Second Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.

Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"

The First Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."

She looked down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

Addicted To Internet Porn

Signs your partner is addicted to internet porn.

• During foreplay, she's always double-clicking your G-Spot.
• Her new computer includes a DVD-ROM drive, a wireless modem, and a tissue dispenser.
• When she wants you to take off your pants, she says, "Scroll Down."
• Tells everyone she's a pioneer in "palm computing."
• She's suing Playboy.com for repetitive stress injuries.
• Her favorite actor? Tommy Lee.
• When he sees a hot babe, he wryly says, "Boy, I'd like to click on her."
• You look deep into her eyes and see a faint image of Asia Carrera burned into her corneas.
• As you undress, he takes out his credit card and tells you his birthday.
• During sex, she shouts, "Refresh! Refresh!"
• Her version of foreplay: You lie naked on the bed with a sheet covering you.. she pulls it down slowly for ten minutes.

Grandma In Court

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you. The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you fucking idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

The Good, The Bad And The Worse

Good: Your children are sexually active.
Bad: With each other
Worse: And your wife.

Good: Hot outdoor sex.
Bad: Getting arrested.
Worse: By your husband

Good: Hot outdoor sex.
Bad: You're arrested.
Worse: By your spouse.

Good: The teacher likes your son.
Bad: Sexually.
Worse: The teacher is a he.

Good: You go home for a quickie.
Bad: you get caught by your wife
Worse: You're with her sister.

Good: Your hubby & you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Worse: Your daughter borrowed them.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Worse: You're in them.

Good: Your wife bought you a porn movie.
Bad: It's over five years old.
Worse: Your daughter's the star.

Good: Your son's interested in school.
Bad: He has to do extra credit to pass.
Worse: Making a sex education video.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross dresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.

Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Worse: So are you.

Good: You give the "Birds & Bees" talk to your kid
Bad: He keeps interrupting.
Worse: With corrections !

Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Worse: She's a lawyer. (a GOOD one)

Good: Your wife says you can go hunting all you want.
Bad: Because she's leaving you.
Worse: For another woman.

Good: Your wife is helping bring in income.
Bad: She's arrested for soliciting.
Worse: She implicates you.

Good: The tests are positive - you're gonna' be a dad again!
Bad: You really can't afford another kid on your pay.
Worse: You haven't told your wife.

Good: You're the man! You'll go to the National Trade Show with the Boss.
Bad: Hotel space is tight. You will share his suite for a week.
Worse: On the flight down, he tells you you're cute.

Good: Your daughter loves a nice young man, the owner of the local hair salon.
Bad: There's a rumor going around town that he's gay.
Worse: Your wife guarantees you that he's not.

A+ Student

A first grade teacher, Mrs Brooks was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?"

Johnny answered, "I am too smart for the first Grade. My sister is in the third grade and I am smarter than she is! I think I should be in third grade too."

Mrs Brooks had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Mrs Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. She agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Johnny: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6 ?"
Johnny: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grade should know. The principal looks at Mrs Brooks and tells her, "I think Johnny can go to the third grade."

Mrs Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him, some questions?" The principal and Johnny both agree.

Mrs Brooks: "What does a cow have four of that I have only 2 of?
Johnny, after a moment "Legs."

Mrs Brooks: What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Johnny: "Pockets."

Mrs Brooks: "What starts with C and ends with T, is hairy, oval and delicious and contains a whitish liquid?"
Johnny: "Coconut."

Mrs Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink and comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,

Johnny takes charge.....
Johnny: "Bubblegum."

Mrs Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on 3 legs?"

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.....
Johnny: "Shake hands."

Mrs Brooks: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I' questions, okay?"
Mrs Brooks: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up.
I get wet before you do."
Johnny: "Tent."

Mrs Brooks: "A finger goes inside me. You fiddle with me when you're bored.
The best man always has me first."
The principal was looking restless and a bit tense.
Johnny: "Wedding Ring."

Mrs Brooks: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver?"
Johnny; "Arrow."

Mrs Brooks: "What word starts with F and ends in K and means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Johnny: "Fire truck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send Johnny to University, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"

A Japanese National Inside A Cab In Manila

Japanese: (Points out a building being erected) How long you build?
Taxi Driver: Sir, four years.
Japanese: Hmmm... In Japan, 2 years. Very fast.

Japanese: (Points out at a railroad) That? How long you build?
Taxi Driver: Ah, sir, 5 years.
Japanese: Hah! We do it in 3 years! Very very fast.

(The Japanese, surprised at his fare.)

Japanese: Oooooh?! Why I pay 1000 pesos(25$ U.S.)?! Just 10 minutes ride?! Why?!
Taxi Driver: (points out the meter) Sir.. Made In Japan, Veryyyyy Fasttttt!