Funny Quotes

“According to a new study from Italy, some women are actually avle to hear with their breast. Of course this is great for Italian men, because they talk with their hands.”

-JAY LENO

On Hemorrhoids: “ The examination is humiliating. You go in, bent over on a table, your pants around your ankles, and an old man has a finger up your ass. It’s a lot like Summer Camp”.

-JON STEWART

I was in a bar the other night hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky…. There wasn’t any gum under any of them.

-EMO PHILIPS

“It’s weird, I have a parent who’s a shrink. Its hard to think of my Mom solving other people’s problems when she’s the root of all mine”

-CAROL LEIFER

“ You know what’s fun to do? Rent an adult movie, take it home, record over it with “The Wizard of Oz”, then return it so the next guy that rents it is thinking ’when is this Dorothy chick going to get naked?’”

-MARK PITTA

“I went to confession… I said, ‘Father, I want to hold man down and I want to whip them, I want to force them to caress my naked body.’

‘Alright dear… say 10 Hail Mary’s and meet me behind the Exxon Station’”

-JOANNE DEARING

“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it wasn't my own!”

-LES DAWSON

“You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked everyday by a middle aged woman;
Stuff you pay good money for in a later life”

-EMO PHILIPS

On edible underwear: “I don’t know what the big deal is about these. You wear them a couple of days, they taste just like the other ones”.

-TOM ARNOLD

“AT&T this week announced the first 40,000 layoffs. A spokesman of AT&T said, ‘You know anyone who needs a good spokesman’”

-NORM MACDONALD

“Behind every great man is a great woman. And behind every great woman is some guys staring at her ass.”

-DEOSH PILYO

“Son, if you really want something in life, you have to work for it. Now, keep quite, they’re about to announce the winning lottery numbers.”

-HOMER SIMPSON